Most of us grew up hearing "don't talk to strangers." It is sensible advice for children, and caution with strangers remains wise for adults too. Yet psychologists have spent the past decade discovering something surprising: when adults do talk to strangers in safe settings, they usually enjoy it far more than they expected, and it can make them measurably happier.
This article explores the research on talking to strangers, why our intuitions about it are often wrong, and what that means for random video chat.
We predict it will go badly
In a well-known series of studies published in 2014, psychologists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder asked commuters on trains and buses in the Chicago area to do one of three things: talk to a stranger, sit in solitude, or do whatever they normally did. Before the experiment, most people predicted that talking to a stranger would be the least pleasant option.
The results were the opposite. People who talked to a stranger reported a more positive journey than those who sat in solitude, and none of the participants who tried to start a conversation reported being rebuffed. The researchers concluded that people misjudge the consequences of social interaction, underestimating how interested others are in talking and how pleasant the conversation will be.
Their paper was titled, fittingly, "Mistakenly Seeking Solitude."
The liking gap
Another line of research explains part of why we are so pessimistic. In studies led by Erica Boothby and colleagues, published in 2018, pairs of strangers had a conversation and then rated how much they liked their partner and how much they thought their partner liked them. Consistently, people underestimated how much their partner liked them. The researchers called this the "liking gap".
The gap appeared in lab conversations, in first-year university students getting to know their dorm mates, and in workshop participants. People tended to be harsher critics of their own performance than their partners were. We replay awkward moments in our heads, while our partner barely noticed them.
This is useful to remember on random chat. If you leave a conversation thinking it went badly, there is a good chance your partner remembers it more fondly than you do.
Weak ties matter
Sociologist Mark Granovetter's influential 1973 paper "The Strength of Weak Ties" argued that acquaintances, people we know loosely, play an important role in our lives, connecting us to new information and opportunities that close friends cannot.
More recently, psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn studied the emotional side of weak ties. They found that people reported greater happiness and a stronger sense of belonging on days when they interacted with more weak ties, such as classmates, neighbours and baristas, beyond their close friends and family. In another study, people who had a brief, genuine interaction with a barista, making eye contact and chatting briefly, reported more positive feelings than those who kept the exchange efficient.
Small conversations with strangers are not trivial. They seem to contribute to our sense of being part of a community.
Deep talk is better than we think
People often avoid deeper topics with strangers, assuming they will be awkward. A 2021 study by Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people overestimated how awkward deep conversations with strangers would be, and underestimated how much they would enjoy them and how connected they would feel. Participants who discussed meaningful questions with strangers generally enjoyed it more than they predicted.
That does not mean you should dive into your deepest fears with every match. But it does suggest that going a little beyond small talk, such as asking about hopes, experiences and ideas, is often welcome. See our conversation starters for deeper questions to try once a chat is going well.
Why we are wired for caution
If talking to strangers is so good for us, why does it feel scary? Several factors play a role:
- Fear of rejection. Social rejection activates distress in ways that researchers have compared to physical pain. We are cautious because rejection hurts.
- Uncertainty. We do not know how a stranger will react, and humans tend to dislike uncertainty.
- Social norms. In many cities and cultures, it is simply not normal to talk to people on public transport or in queues, so doing so feels like breaking a rule.
- Genuine safety concerns. Some caution is sensible. Strangers can pose real risks, especially online.
The research does not suggest ignoring safety. It suggests that, in safe settings, our fears about social awkwardness are usually exaggerated.
What this means for random video chat
Random video chat is, in a sense, a structured space for talking to strangers. It removes some barriers, including social norms against starting conversations, since everyone is there to talk, and it provides an easy exit. The research suggests several lessons:
- Expect it to go better than you think. Your nerves are probably overestimating the awkwardness.
- Remember the liking gap. People probably like you more than you assume.
- Small conversations count. Even a brief friendly chat can lift your mood.
- Go a little deeper. Meaningful questions are usually more welcome than you think.
- Keep safety in mind. The benefits of talking to strangers come from safe interactions. Protect your personal details and skip anyone who makes you uncomfortable. See our privacy checklist.
A note on online versus in-person
Most of the research above was conducted in person. Online interaction differs in important ways: fewer physical cues, technical issues and the possibility of anonymity. Video chat recovers many of the cues that text loses, including faces, voices and tone, which is one reason it can feel more connecting than messaging. But online settings also have their own risks, which is why platforms need clear rules and users need good habits. See digital body language and anonymity online: pros and cons.
Final thought
Our instincts tell us that strangers are uninterested, conversations will be awkward and solitude is safer. Research suggests those instincts are often wrong. When we take the small risk of saying hello, most people respond warmly, conversations go better than expected and we walk away a little happier. Random video chat offers a safe, low-stakes place to test that for yourself. The next time you hesitate, remember: the person on the other side is probably just as nervous, and just as likely to enjoy talking to you.